1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It’s called “Ministers Do More Than Lay People.”
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss: The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking out the trash, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen — just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, “I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.”
11. I’m so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
12. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn’t have to worry about a will. He said, “Will? What will? I’m making a list of the people I want to bite!”
13. Definition of a teen-ager. God’s punishment for enjoying sex.
14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
15. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!
16. When I was young we used to go “skinny dipping.” Now I just “chunky dunk.”
17. The early bird still has to eat worms.
18. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.
19. Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
20. Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press ‘Ctrl Alt Delete’ and start all over?
21. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
22. My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that’s what she said.
23. Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
24. Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
25. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor.
26. Brain cells come, and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
27. Two antennae meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was terrific.
28. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive.”
29. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
30. Two peanuts walk into a bar…one was a salted.
31. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food here.”
32. A dyslexic man walks into a bra……
33. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm. He says:”A beer for me and one for the road.”
34. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says: “Does this taste funny to you?”
35. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’” The doctor says, “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” The man asks, “Is it common?” The Doc says, “It’s Not Unusual.”
36. Two cows standing are in a field. One says, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says the second. “It’s true, no bull!” the first cow replies.
37. An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at.
38. A man takes his Rotweiler to the vet and says, “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?” The vet says, “Let’s have a look at him.” He picks the dog up and examines his eyes and teeth and says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What?” exclaims the man, “because he’s cross-eyed?” “No,” says the vet, “because he’s really heavy.”
39. I went to buy some camouflage trousers but I couldn’t find them.
40. I went to the butcher’s and bet him 50 bucks he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf. He refused the bet, saying, “No, the steaks are too high.”
41. I went to a seafood disco last week and danced so much I pulled a mussel.
42. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fish.
43. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
44. A Polish immigrant goes to the Department Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver’s license. He has to take an Eye Test. The clerk tells him to read a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z’. “Read it?” the man replies, “he’s my cousin.”