One Pun at a Time

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating – always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.
What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted – It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at
large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done

Subject: Items for thought
1.  Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it, so I said “Implants?”  She hit me.
4. I don’t do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
6. I live in my own little world. But it’s OK, they know me here.
7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
9. I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead’s.
11. I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I have stayed alive.
14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
15. Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
17. Snowmen fall from Heaven with some assembly required.
18. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail…but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, “Damn…that was fun!”
19. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing.  If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!
21. When I was young we used to go “skinny dipping.” Now I just “chunky dunk.”
22. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.
23. Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
24. Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press ‘Ctrl Alt Delete’ and start all over?
25. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
26. Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
27. Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
29. Wouldn’t you know it…Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells  live forever.
30. Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?
31. Bumper sticker of the year: “If you can read this, thank a teacher…and since it’s in English, thank a soldier.”

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