Groucho Marx

How do you feel about women’s rights ? I like either side of them. – Groucho Marx

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening .. But this wasn’t it.- Groucho Marx

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife- Groucho Marx

I sent the club a wire stating, Please accept my resignation. I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.- Groucho Marx

Now there’s a man with an open mind – you can feel the breeze from here!– Groucho Marx

To Margret Dumont: “I can see you and I married. I can see you bending over the stove. I can’t see the stove!- Groucho Marx

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.- Groucho Marx

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.- Groucho Marx

It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.- Groucho Marx

There is only one way to find out if a man is honest…ask him. If he says ‘yes’, you know he is crooked.- Groucho Marx

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. if you can fake that, you’ve got it made.- Groucho Marx

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.- Groucho Marx

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.- Groucho Marx

I’d horsewhip you if I had a horse- Groucho Marx

Go, and never darken my towels again.- Groucho Marx

She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.- Groucho Marx

Time wounds all heels.- Groucho Marx

Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?- Groucho Marx

My mother loved children … she would have given anything if I had been one.- Groucho Marx

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.- Groucho Marx

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.- Groucho Marx

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend. – Groucho Marx

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one’s fellow man.- Groucho Marx

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.- Groucho Marx

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

“Seven? That many?” She blushed, and said, “Well, I love my husband.” Groucho came back with, “I love my cigar, too, but I take it out once in a while.”

Remember men you are fighting for the ladies honour, which is probably more than she ever did.- Groucho Marx

Oh are you from Wales ?? Do you know a fella named Jonah ?? He used to live in whales for a while.- Groucho Marx

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.- Groucho Marx

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.- Groucho Marx

Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.- Groucho Marx

This man has the mind of a 4-year old boy..and I bet he was glad to get rid of it- Groucho Marx

Look, if you don’t like my parties, you can leave in a huff. If that’s too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you can’t find that, you can leave in a taxi.- Groucho Marx

Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.- Groucho Marx

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren’t developed. . . But we’re going back next week.- Groucho Marx

It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than open your mouth and remove all doubt.- Groucho Marx

Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows, marriage does.- Groucho Marx

Women should be obscene, and not heard.- Groucho Marx

In a restaurant to a waitress: “Do you have frogs legs or do you always walk like that….- Groucho Marx

From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.- Groucho Marx

A child af five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.- Groucho Marx

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.- Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s to dark to read.- Groucho Marx

Hello I must be going. I cannot stay, I came to say I must be going. I’m glad I came, but just the same, I must be going.- Groucho Marx

Beyond the Alps lies more Alps, and the Lord alps those that alps themselves.- Groucho Marx

Well I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech.- Groucho Marx

Are you going to believe me, or what you see with your own eyes? – Groucho Marx

She’s afraid that if she leaves, she’ll become the life of the party. – Groucho Marx

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.- Groucho Marx

“Call me a cab!” Groucho replies, “OK, you’re a cab.”- Groucho Marx

I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought I’ll dance with the cows till you come home.- Groucho Marx

I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.- Groucho Marx

How would you like to feel the way she looks?- Groucho Marx

My mother treated us all equally … with contempt.- Groucho Marx

Someone: “The garbage men are here” Groucho: “Tell them we don’t want any”.- Groucho Marx

Follow me men. Never mind men – just the women.- Groucho Marx

I like my women warm and my champagne cold.- Groucho Marx

Blood’s not thicker than money.I cannot say that I do not disagree with you.- Groucho Marx

Room service? Send up a larger room.- Groucho Marx

When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said “I was just whispering in her mouth.”- Groucho Marx

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury- Groucho Marx

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!- Groucho Marx

I’ve been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.- Groucho Marx

There’s one thing I always wanted to do before I quit…retire!- Groucho Marx

You get a canoe later and I’ll paddle you.- Groucho Marx

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.- Groucho Marx

Man: “I would like to say goodby to your wife”. Groucho: “Me too”.- Groucho Marx

The last time I saw legs like that was on a billiard table.- Groucho Marx

We give em a seventy-five cent meal that’ll knock their eyes out. After we knock their eyes out, we can charge them anything we want.- Groucho Marx

I drink to make people interesting.- Groucho Marx

I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but found it too unwieldy.- Groucho Marx

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.- Groucho Marx

I’ll never forget my wedding day..they threw vitamin pills.- Groucho Marx

I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip.- Groucho Marx

I made a killing on Wall Steet a few years ago…I shot my broker.- Groucho Marx

Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet! ~ Groucho Marx

Someone: “I would like to say goodbye to your wife”. Groucho: “Me too”.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.~ Groucho Marx

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.~ Groucho Marx

If you fall out of that window and break both your legs, don’t come running to me.~ Groucho Marx

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.- Groucho Marx

Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.~ Groucho Marx

Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.- Groucho Marx

Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you? – Groucho Marx

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along. -Groucho Marx

I must confess, I was born at a very early age. -Groucho Marx

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