Foolish Questions

see American Memory site: The American Variety Stage: Vaudeville and Popular Entertainment, 1870-1920
The travellers : comedy sketch / by Barry Gray ; written for Morton & Rossie.
Page 10 “Foolish Questions”

Did you ever notice, as you pass along through life,
The many foolish questions—that are asked?
When you chance to go out strolling, with your sweetheart, or your wife
The many foolish questions that are asked?
You don’t know why you ask them, but you ask them just the same,
You can’t just recollect from where the habit came.

So, with your approbation, just a few of them we’ll name,
Of the many foolish questions that are asked
(cho. ad lib continuous)

She:
When your husband comes home late, and wet to the skin about,
Wifey opens up the window, and and asks him, “if its’ raining out?”

He:
That’s the time for “him to answer,” it’s not raining out, my pet.
But the sun was drawing water, and
When it spilled some, I got wet.

She:
When hubby’s wisdom tooth is aching,
And, he sits, and holds his jaw.
Wifey very cooly asks him.
If his tooth is really sore?

He:
Hubby scowls at her in answer,
and he violently blurts,
No, you daffy little pin-head,
It’s my corn alone that hurts.

She:
When she puts her coat and hat on,
You will question her, no doubt,
Like a chump, you’re bound to ask her,
If she’s intending going out?

He:
That’ the cue for little wifey,
To turn on him and get the laugh,
She should answer, “no, you stupid,”
“I’m going to take my bath.”

She:
When hubby staggers home so drunk he doesn’t know his name.
He will hear the same old question, “So you’ve come home drunk again?”
He says, “Dear, your off your noodle, in the morning I’ll explain”
You can see that I’m not drunk, but sailing in an areoplane.”

He:
When your wife is in the kitchen, rolling dough and nearly dead,
It’s a cinch you’re bound to ask her, if she’s going to make bread?
Can’t you see, what I am doing, wifey sharply says to him,
I’m out in a pumpkin orchard, sawing off a hickory limb.

She:
When it nears the hour of midnight, and on the pillow she lays her head,
Hubby site there, like a boob, and asks her, if she’s going to bed?
She will answer slow and weary, now how can you ask me that?
When you’re looking at me feeding Uneeda biscuits to the cat.

He:
In the lobby of a theatre, when you’re waiting in to go,
There’s the friend who’ll always ask you, if you’re going to see the show?
That’s the time for you to answer, no, you chuckle-headed knave,
I am going in the theatre to get a hair cut and a shave.

Everyday you’ll surely find
These are samples of the kind of the
Many foolish questions that are asked.

 

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