Irony: You never see it coming.
Hard work often pays off after time, but laziness always pays off now.
Hundreds of years from now, it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove… But the world may be different because I did something so bafflingly crazy that my ruins become a tourist attraction.
Perseverance: The courage to ignore the obvious wisdom of turning back.
Motivation: If a pretty poster and a cute saying are all it takes to motivate you, you probably have a very easy job. The kind robots will be doing soon.
Multitasking: The art of doing twice as much as you should half as well as you could.
Marketing: Because making it look good now is more important than providing adequate support later.
Sanity: Minds are like parachutes. Just because you’ve lost yours doesn’t mean you can borrow mine
Aspiration: I hear the call to do nothing and am doing my best to answer it.
The time for action is past. Now is the time for senseless bickering.
Twitter: never before have so many people with so little to say said so much to so few.
Statistics are like a bikini: what they reveal is suggestive but what they conceal is vital.
Faith is that quality which enables us to believe what we know to be untrue.
Life is a sexually transmited disease.
There was a young lady named Bright,
Who traveled much faster than light.
She started one day
In the relative way,
And returned on the previous night.
It is a good idea to ‘shop around’ before you settle on a doctor. Ask about the condition of his Mercedes. Ask about the competence of his mechanic. Don’t be shy! After all, you’re paying for it.
It is well said that success has many fathers but failure is an orphan.
Christian ethics are seldom found save in the philosophy of some unbeliever.
An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault.
It is usually when men are at their most religious that they behave with the least sense and the greatest cruelty.
The First Law of Journalism: to confirm existing prejudice, rather than contradict it.
Where there are two alternatives: one intelligent, one stupid; one attractive, one vulgar; one noble, one ape-like; one serious and sincere, one undignified and false; one far-sighted, one short; EVERYBODY will INVARIABLY choose the latter.
Life was a funny thing that occurred on the way to the grave.
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.
Justice is the sanction of established injustice.
A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office.
There is nothing so absurd or ridiculous that has not at some time been said by some philosopher.
We are the unwilling, led by the unqualified, doing the unnecessary for the ungrateful.
When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.
“I’m so worried,”
the nervous patient said as the nurse plumped up his pillows.
“Last week, I read about a man who was in the hospital because of heart trouble and he died of malaria.”
the nurse said, smiling.
“This is a first-rate hospital. When we treat someone for heart trouble, he dies of heart trouble.”
- When Robert Maynard Hutchins was dean of Yale Law School, he had a brief conversation with William Howard Taft, then Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.
‘Well, Professor Hutchins, ‘
‘I suppose you teach your students that the judges are all fools.’
‘No, Mr. Chief Justice,’
‘we let them find that out for themselves.’
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.
Every society honours its live conformists and its dead troublemakers.
An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
The two most beautiful words in the English language are ‘Cheque Enclosed’.
You can’t say civilisations don’t advance…for in every war they kill you in a new way.
We have, in fact, two kinds of morality side by side; one which we preach but do not practise, and another which we practise but seldom preach.
No-one would remember the Good Smaritan if he had only had good intentions. He had money as well.
A classic is something that everyone wants to have read and nobody wants to read.
The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out, the conservative adopts them.